I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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