Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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