Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The uberlube is also flammable
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
