I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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