His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
