I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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