You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
