walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
