The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
