You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
