Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
