totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just high enough for therapy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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