there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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