I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
