Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
organizing the empties. That sober.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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