You're so nebulous sometimes
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
