By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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