**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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