my vag is so smooth its legendary
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
