Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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