he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
