not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize