Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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