My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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