I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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