My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
