Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
being pregnant is like rehab
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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