she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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