I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
