naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
