...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
