I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
