I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize