Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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