a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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