Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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