overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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