If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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