im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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