and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
