Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize