im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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