They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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