I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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