haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
