Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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