first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
