Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
