If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
These tits shall not be calmed
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
