i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
