I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
