I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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