If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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