All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
