So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
