That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
