my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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